Pangs

.... Of loneliness, of uncertainty, of missing the city I swore I would never leave.

And I know I cannot go back. And I know I can only move forward.

Terrifying, exhilarating, groundless. If I do not relax into the flow of things, I simply will never relax, and thus is born a workaholic in me.

I have an idea of how I want my life to be. I have no idea how I will get there... and I will get there, it's only a matter of time. I must not let this place swallow me whole, nor can I lose focus.

A few people have asked me if I would be going back. Someday, I'd like to have homes in SF and LA, though for now, I know I will not be returning anytime soon. I cried when I flew back from my test shoot on Sunday, watching the Bay disappear into the moonlit night: they were not tears brought about by a pang of longing. They were tears of finally accepting the beginning of my process of goodbye.