2008. Turn that number 8 on its side, and what do you see?
Over the last year, and especially the last couple months or so, many things have presented to me that anything is possible, all over the map. Not that it isn't always that way; I think I'm opening more to it, both consciously and subconsciously.
I'm having trouble with the money thing. I know that's not all there is to life, however, when I really don't have any in my wallet, I don't have savings, I'm pushing 30, and I'm set up for the biggest move I've ever made (though, granted, since I am subletting till the end of April, the bulk of it will be later, thank gawd! And my parents have been of great assistance...), it works on me a bit. I have the option of more help from my family, and they have come through so much in this already, however I feel like they've helped me out a lot over the years, and I feel less independent than I am comfortable with. Gotta sit with that and just be grateful, I suppose. I am hyper aware of this sort of thing, and I know it will all be fine; I have this intrinsic worry factor that I struggle with, though. I think there is a little bit of self worth stuff mixed in as well. How can I measure my self worth by my net worth? That's ridiculous, and yet, I am SO self-conscious of it. Even being broke, I am more privileged than 90% of the world! Why is it so difficult to genuinely take these things into account?
C'mon, I'm embarking on the adventure of a lifetime: I'm moving to LA to make movies. Holy crap, I can actually do that! In many ways, with what we are doing, each and every one of us is experiencing the same thing. It's all about tearing down those walls in our way and motivating ourselves with the great freedoms we have been granted as human beings. How is your life changing for you? How has it changed over the last year? What changes would you like to implement in the coming year? Are you on a path to making your dreams come true, and are you fortunate enough to have people who have supported you along the way?
Our lives are full of positive and negative pulls: it's all a matter of perspective. I have so much more to be thankful for than anything else. In fact, if I just let myself relax into the way things are for just a minute, I can see that I am rich beyond all measure, even if my bank account is scant and my debts are piled high. Giving up is not an option anyway, right, so what have I got to lose?
I would do well to listen to myself more often.
Just say YES, my friends.
Happy New Year, and may 2008 bring infinite joy to you all.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Blown open
I went to a daylong meditation on Sunday, with Jack Kornfield. I learned a few things, although I think about 90% of what I learned came from within me: from just staying with myself.
Of course, it helped that Vinny Ferraro (if you have 15 minutes PLEASE WATCH "Vinny's Story") was leading the San Francisco Urban Dharma group on Friday, and that set the stage for some prime stuff to happen, it seems.
Both teachers mentioned that suffering = pain x resistance. I thought that was a most marvelous coincidence, especially since I cannot recall having heard that said specifically before. Monday night, in my meditation class given by my roommate Adam in our living room, I asked him about it, and he added that suffering = happiness x clinging as well. Excellent point.
I noticed, after Sunday, a pronounced increase in my irritability and stress. I am not used to being so stressed that I shake, and yet, that has been happening for me over the last few days. It's like Adam talked about once: there's some crazy system in a big military ship, and there's a pipe that's part of this system (I think it's propulsion?) that is under so much pressure, just one tiny pinhole in its super-thick insulation can make the whole thing blow apart, potentially killing many people and sinking the ship. Maybe this is more of a geyser than a shipwreck. That's ultimately up to me, now, isn't it?
I'm sure a lot of it has to do with PMS, however that certainly is not the only factor. I am in the process of letting go of a lot in my life and, as my singing/acting coach said last night: I am preparing myself to enter into a much bigger world. It's scary. I'm glad it is, too.
Planning my move to LA, trying to move my job with me, ending a codependent romance, letting go of a friendship with my ex, standing on the precipice of a new entertainment career (producing), and waiting to find out whether my book to film adaptation project can really happen, not to mention a few other frightening and beautiful notions.
It's enough to make anyone go insane. I don't know exactly what delineates insanity in that regard, however it is indeed a very educational experience.
I am SO glad I have a lot of good friends and contacts in LA, or I would surely perish.
And the chips shall fall where they may.
Of course, it helped that Vinny Ferraro (if you have 15 minutes PLEASE WATCH "Vinny's Story") was leading the San Francisco Urban Dharma group on Friday, and that set the stage for some prime stuff to happen, it seems.
Both teachers mentioned that suffering = pain x resistance. I thought that was a most marvelous coincidence, especially since I cannot recall having heard that said specifically before. Monday night, in my meditation class given by my roommate Adam in our living room, I asked him about it, and he added that suffering = happiness x clinging as well. Excellent point.
I noticed, after Sunday, a pronounced increase in my irritability and stress. I am not used to being so stressed that I shake, and yet, that has been happening for me over the last few days. It's like Adam talked about once: there's some crazy system in a big military ship, and there's a pipe that's part of this system (I think it's propulsion?) that is under so much pressure, just one tiny pinhole in its super-thick insulation can make the whole thing blow apart, potentially killing many people and sinking the ship. Maybe this is more of a geyser than a shipwreck. That's ultimately up to me, now, isn't it?
I'm sure a lot of it has to do with PMS, however that certainly is not the only factor. I am in the process of letting go of a lot in my life and, as my singing/acting coach said last night: I am preparing myself to enter into a much bigger world. It's scary. I'm glad it is, too.
Planning my move to LA, trying to move my job with me, ending a codependent romance, letting go of a friendship with my ex, standing on the precipice of a new entertainment career (producing), and waiting to find out whether my book to film adaptation project can really happen, not to mention a few other frightening and beautiful notions.
It's enough to make anyone go insane. I don't know exactly what delineates insanity in that regard, however it is indeed a very educational experience.
I am SO glad I have a lot of good friends and contacts in LA, or I would surely perish.
And the chips shall fall where they may.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
The time....
.... is, of course, now.
"Now is now
I watch I watch
waiting for
no memory"
I wrote that when I was about nine years old. There's more to the poem, and I think I know where my old poetry notebook is at my Dad's house if I wanted to read it again, although that line has always stuck with me. Especially striking is the fact that I wrote it when I was so young.
And yet, I did complete a song I started creating when I was only three and my dad was playing the blues on the piano. He happened to record it, and I have a cassette copy. The rest just recently came to me. I only had one line: Remember what I say today.
Anyway, the point is this: I think we have "it" in us all our lives, and most of us tend to cover it up or push it away, building walls to stand between us all, and building self-doubt, even self-hatred, within us all. Someone asked the Dalai Lama about self-hatred once, and it took a very long exchange of words with his translator to figure out what on earth this person was talking about. It simply is something that is not part of life for him or his people.
Is there an exact moment when people learn to hate themselves, or to tell themselves they are incapable? It seems to me that one cannot both love and hate oneself all at once, truly, and one cannot be in motion and at rest all at once, either. The point is, we are the only ones who can possibly stand in our own way. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
She also said, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
I agree with Eleanor. I do not plan to have conversations with her as a certain Presidential candidate once did.
I do, however, plan to follow her sage advice.
"Now is now
I watch I watch
waiting for
no memory"
I wrote that when I was about nine years old. There's more to the poem, and I think I know where my old poetry notebook is at my Dad's house if I wanted to read it again, although that line has always stuck with me. Especially striking is the fact that I wrote it when I was so young.
And yet, I did complete a song I started creating when I was only three and my dad was playing the blues on the piano. He happened to record it, and I have a cassette copy. The rest just recently came to me. I only had one line: Remember what I say today.
Anyway, the point is this: I think we have "it" in us all our lives, and most of us tend to cover it up or push it away, building walls to stand between us all, and building self-doubt, even self-hatred, within us all. Someone asked the Dalai Lama about self-hatred once, and it took a very long exchange of words with his translator to figure out what on earth this person was talking about. It simply is something that is not part of life for him or his people.
Is there an exact moment when people learn to hate themselves, or to tell themselves they are incapable? It seems to me that one cannot both love and hate oneself all at once, truly, and one cannot be in motion and at rest all at once, either. The point is, we are the only ones who can possibly stand in our own way. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
She also said, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
I agree with Eleanor. I do not plan to have conversations with her as a certain Presidential candidate once did.
I do, however, plan to follow her sage advice.
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