Blown open

I went to a daylong meditation on Sunday, with Jack Kornfield. I learned a few things, although I think about 90% of what I learned came from within me: from just staying with myself.

Of course, it helped that Vinny Ferraro (if you have 15 minutes PLEASE WATCH "Vinny's Story") was leading the San Francisco Urban Dharma group on Friday, and that set the stage for some prime stuff to happen, it seems.

Both teachers mentioned that suffering = pain x resistance. I thought that was a most marvelous coincidence, especially since I cannot recall having heard that said specifically before. Monday night, in my meditation class given by my roommate Adam in our living room, I asked him about it, and he added that suffering = happiness x clinging as well. Excellent point.

I noticed, after Sunday, a pronounced increase in my irritability and stress. I am not used to being so stressed that I shake, and yet, that has been happening for me over the last few days. It's like Adam talked about once: there's some crazy system in a big military ship, and there's a pipe that's part of this system (I think it's propulsion?) that is under so much pressure, just one tiny pinhole in its super-thick insulation can make the whole thing blow apart, potentially killing many people and sinking the ship. Maybe this is more of a geyser than a shipwreck. That's ultimately up to me, now, isn't it?

I'm sure a lot of it has to do with PMS, however that certainly is not the only factor. I am in the process of letting go of a lot in my life and, as my singing/acting coach said last night: I am preparing myself to enter into a much bigger world. It's scary. I'm glad it is, too.

Planning my move to LA, trying to move my job with me, ending a codependent romance, letting go of a friendship with my ex, standing on the precipice of a new entertainment career (producing), and waiting to find out whether my book to film adaptation project can really happen, not to mention a few other frightening and beautiful notions.

It's enough to make anyone go insane. I don't know exactly what delineates insanity in that regard, however it is indeed a very educational experience.

I am SO glad I have a lot of good friends and contacts in LA, or I would surely perish.

And the chips shall fall where they may.