It's that time again....

So, 2008 was definitely the year of infinite possibilities, as I'd mentioned, well, a year ago. I suppose every year is: I just thought it was cool to flip the 8 over on its side, et voilà, an infinity sign! Many good things happened this year, for myself and for the world. Many not-so-good things happened as well, though if you subscribe to the old Freddy N. quote "That which does not kill us makes us stronger," then let's just say there are a mighty lot of strong people out there right now.

A very dear friend just sent me a little article reminding us to set intentions for the New Year, rather than resolutions. I like that idea: it can keep us pointed in the right direction, while not having to remain attached or in any way adherent to the way anything "ought to be."

I had already written a similar list on a previous blog, which ended up introducing me to an interesting anonymous character from the vast reaches of the internet. If s/he is still paying attention, it'll be interesting to find out what their take on it is.

My intentions (which I may add to later) for 2009 are:

1. To consistently approach things from a purely positive angle first
2. To bring more mindfulness to everything I do, from communication to brushing my teeth to breathing
3. To live in gratitude
4. To cultivate compassion (especially for myself)
5. To allow myself to let go more
6. To be more forgiving (especially of myself)

I wish everyone happiness, love, peace, and true greatness in 2009.

A new dawn, a new day

We still have quite a struggle ahead of us, as our new President Elect said last night.

But what an extraordinary victory for him and for this country!

Now, remember, we still have a civil *rights* war to wage: for the right of same-sex couples to marry. This proposition was to amend the California constitution, but like Prohibition was overturned in the American Constitution, so can this blatant smothering of humans' intrinsic right to LOVE and to benefit from everything that comes from a harmonious union.

With the escalating rates of divorce among straight couples, why is it so important to stop same-sex people from marrying, who TRULY LOVE one another? As one of my friends put it, in her plea against Pop 8, can you imagine being in the hospital and the one you love being forbade to be by your side because they are not "family"? Put aside your straightness and your morals and your preconceived notions of whatever God or Nature or whatever you believe tells you only a man and a woman should marry, just for one second, and imagine the despair of being deathly ill and alone. Walled off from the healing touch of your love's hand...

Biracial couples were once not allowed to marry. Hell, people STILL have a problem with it, but at least it's legal! This is not a moral issue, it is a CIVIL RIGHTS issue.

To all who voted yes on Prop 8, or who would have if they were CA residents: keep your "morals" off of people's civil rights!!!! Your "morality" has no place in dictating the rights of ALL people to marry, and the right of ALL humans to LOVE.

PROTECT LOVE: fight back against Prop 8!!!!!

A Prayer for the Dying

A prayer for the dying
Is a prayer for us all.

From the woman on the cell in her oversized Benz
To the child on the street picking ever-emptier pockets.

Something's coming.

I don't know what it is
Whether it's good or bad
Or
Whether we'll come out of it

Alive.

We all end up in the same place:

We all end.

So why worry?

Make the most of NOW.

It was gonna end in the Depression.
It was gonna end in the Cold War.
It was gonna end
A thousand times before.

It's time for an Evolution Revolution.
Conscious symbiosis.

Yes, we will all lose this "life"--
This is inevitable.
Heart ceases.
Mind ceases.
Body ceases.
Breath ceases.

Memories never cease.
Though they may change.

But let me ask you this:

Have you ever forgotten who
Ben Franklin
Winston Churchill
Martin Luther King Jr.
Mother Theresa
Ghandi
Princess Di
or
Your favorite teacher
or
Your favorite family member
...was?

They *were.*

We all remember
The figures of history who
Made such a great impact
Upon our ever-growing pulsating number of
Earthly souls.

And those who are remembered only
To our personal history.

They are gone:
Hearts ceased.
Minds ceased.
Bodies ceased.
Breath ceased.

And yet....

Our

Hearts
Minds
Bodies
Breath

Live on.

For NOW.

May we all have

Strength.

Courage.

Determination.

Ability.

To carry the torch
Of the bright memories of life which shape

Us.

Though it lights a path
To certain death,

Yet

Only of

Heart
Mind
Body
Breath.

Amen.

Negative Commentary

I welcome anything people have to say about what I write, and I would suggest doing so in a constructive, mature way. I am far more receptive to that.

Besides, if a person doesn't have the balls to even leave their name on such puerile (ooh, lookie, I have fiddy-cent words, too!) venom, why would I think they really even care, anyway? My blogs are a personal statement of self, and my path to betterment of that self. I put my thoughts in the public eye with the intention of inspiring others and gaining mutual support in this life, this thing we call being human. I'm not perfect, and neither is anyone else. I constantly strive to be a better person, not a better-than-you person, and that's what my previous blog was about.

Perhaps I should be more clear in the future, and perhaps (dare I risk sounding supercilious yet again, tsk tsk!) some people might consider doing the same.

Believe

That's all we can do.

Whatever we believe ultimately becomes reality for us. And reality exists for no one other than ourselves.

I have fallen off the mediation and exercise wagons, but September and the impending equinox have me sinking into some strong motivation to generally re-shape my life. I am not going to stop doing the things I love; in fact, I am turning more attention towards myself and relinquishing myself into the throes of what feeds my soul.

I thought it might help to put a statement of commitments out there, since things like this being out in the public domain can act as a solidifier for me.

Here goes:

1. I will meditate every day.
2. I will exercise regularly and treat my body with respect.
3. I will not beat myself up.
4. I will allow myself to just be, without attachment or aversion.
5. I will follow my dreams.
6. I will be as good as humanly possible to myself and everyone else.
7. I will look more deeply into others' eyes.
8. I will take a moment for myself.
9. I will proceed with joy.
10. I will love without fear.

I may think of more, though I like the number 10, and I think this is plenty to work on.

I believe everyone has a right to follow on their most joyous path. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to do so.

If I stray, slap me! Hey, I said I wouldn't beat myself up.

All in my head

If those stories I get caught up in are all just in my head, I might as well pay attention only to the ones that empower me.

I don't mention songs much or post lyrics anymore, but honestly, the song "What If" by Coldplay is what really speaks to my general concerns about finding a partner. And finding a partner seems to be a bigger deal to me than I've given it credit for. I just want to get it right, not only by choosing the right person, but also by making the right decisions while with them (or preparing to possibly be).

I'm tired of living in fear, but I'm working through it. I'm feeling my "work in progress" status pretty strongly lately, which is a good sign, because that key word progress is definitely what I'm marching with. I'm excited about things like my film, joining a gym, my new path I'm taking with acting, and about the general overhaul I'm succeeding with regarding my life. And that life is pretty good. I am working to purge the excess.

Saturn Returns

I used to be into astrology. REALLY into it. I still find it interesting, but I don't live my life by it. I will concede that Rob Brezny does kick ass. (Side note: I read my horoscope for the week of August 21st after writing this blog. I think this story qualifies.)

It's an entirely different kind of ass-kicking than that which many people go through around the ages of 28-30, however. Regardless of the fact of Saturn coming back into the very place in orbit in which it stood when one was born, the transition from the late 20s to 30 is a true foray into adulthood. Not that I have felt like a kid all these years; I just finally feel like I'm more on-track with my "self."

These thoughts come on the eve of my 10th high school reunion. It isn't until the end of November, but I've been seeing people on Facebook and Myspace lately that are faces from the past. Not just high school, but elementary school and junior high. I was in classes with many of the same people from the third grade (when I switched schools on account of my high-ish IQ) through the eighth grade. The elementary school years were miserable: at least in junior high we had the addition of new classmates from other schools in conjunction with a multi-class schedule to mix it up a bit.

In elementary school, though, I was stuck with the same kids every day. I don't think they realized how painful that time in my life was, and how significantly many (though mercifully not all) of them contributed to that. My parents were just finalizing a divorce when I got there. Divorces cost a lot of money, and we never had much to begin with, so I was the poor kid. My dad was smoking 3 packs a day to deal with it, so when I stayed with him, it smelled like I was, too. I even brought a rock to school for show and tell one day and it smelled like smoke. I had nerdy glasses. I was perpetually living in fear of encountering a friend from my past with whom I had had one of those strange sexual experiences, which took me over a decade to finally figure out (when I was about 17) that she was almost certainly sexually abused herself. Top it off with being surrounded by a class of about a 95% population of kids with rich parents, and a significant portion of these kids didn't see a whole lot wrong with looking down upon others. You can imagine how lovely it was received that I played with the other "outcast," the "fat" girl who wasn't really anything more than plump. I didn't see things the way the others did, but they sure knew how to look at people like us. So, of course, I constantly felt oppressed and depressed.

I wanted to belong, though. SO terribly that, in the sixth grade, another girl and I conspired and put a note into the aforementioned "fat" girl's desk telling her just what (horrible things) we thought of her and that we wished she would stay away from us. We were caught and reprimanded, of course, and I have never felt like a bigger, guiltier asshole in my whole life. I was 12. I apologized sincerely and profusely, of course: I wasn't a complete asshole. And we were able to salvage a friendship through junior high, though I often wonder about my part in her emotional scars she must have sustained. It is something I will not forget.

I mean, how deplorable is that? To want acceptance so badly that I would resort to cutting someone down like that, based on such superficial things? It was the same thing I was experiencing from others, that she was experiencing already, and that I so generously added to. I gained nothing other than a huge life lesson. People say, "Kids are mean." Yeah, because they don't know any better. And we can all guess whose fault that is. I don't know whether the people in my class who contributed to my terrible experience ever even realized that they had done so. I felt remorse for what I had done. Did they eventually feel remorse themselves for how they treated us? I don't have any misgivings that they are bad people at all, I just wonder if the thought has ever crossed their minds. That's the closure I feel is missing.

As I moved through junior high and into high school, and began to understand my black sheep nature, it was easier for me to embrace being an outcast. In fact, it stitched me quite a nice little place among the alt-rock-cool kids, and eventually, in high school, the theatre geeky and goth kids, niches I flourished in. Having a group of "different" people surrounding me allowed high school to be the most wonderful and positive of all my school experiences. It's quite the opposite for many people, so in spite of the fact that some people threw food at us during lunch or were just generally afraid and therefore abusive, I was finally happy. I belonged. A number of those people are still very dear friends to this day.

And in a few months, I will see many of the people I have not seen in a very long time, as well as the people I still keep in touch with. It just so happens that the high school to which a large number of people with whom I went to elementary school and junior high will also be having their reunion, just a few blocks down the way. I wonder if I should go. Maybe find some resolution, like my best friend Satine did. This blog was inspired by her blog, about the resolution she gained by attending the reunion for the high school where most of the people with whom she went to elementary school went. We had very similar experiences, you see, and I, too, have carried this weight around for years. It has helped me in many ways, though I never quite got closure with these people. I am still on the fence.

Isn't it amazing how things come around at this time in our lives? With all the craziness this year has brought me thus far, I am quite satisfied with my initial prediction that 2008 would be "a year of infinite possibilities."

Life is like a movie...

Either it sucks and you can only pick a few positive-sounding words out of context to put in your ad, or you have long quotes that paint a rich, colorful, textured account of the whole thing, and why it's worth paying attention to.

Strive for the big reviews.

time in a bottle

Isn't it incredible how these enormous, ultra significant moments in our lives can be distilled into a few minutes, or even just a few sentences?

Maybe things won't seem so bad if I just think of it that way.

A difficult task.

A long strange trip....

And it's not over yet! Of course, it won't be over till my heart gives out.

In the meantime, it was good to see all my Northern California loved ones, or at least, as many as I could. I would have seen more in Sacramento, but Mom ended up having to get her gall bladder removed earlier than anticipated. That's OK though, because she's feeling much better! It was just a very different visit than I had anticipated, though it was a joy to be able to spend more time with her.

Camp and Sons was terrific, as always, though one of the organizers was injured... she'll pull through though, and safety measures are being put in place to ensure that it doesn't happen again! Everyone really pulled together to help her out, and we are all SO thankful that it wasn't any worse....

So now I'm back in LA and I'm on quite the job hunt. I feel confident that I should know where I'm going within the next week or so. Hooray!

Thinking back....

Yes, be in the present moment. However, to realize the profoundness of this moment, think of all the preceding moments which led to this one. What was that one door that opened, to which you probably owe most of how your life is now?

I am in a contemplative mood, having just finished my second Associate Producer gig, and having been told by the director that she'd like to work with me on her next feature. I also have another possible project in the works from another wonderful person I worked with on my last project. Add to that my nonprofit to "green" film and TV production, and what we have here is the culmination of many fortunate happenings sprouting directly from a few key decisions and chance happenings sprinkled over the last 10 years or so.

There are certain life-changing decisions we make, and we are very aware that we are doing so. And yet, something so simple as a random decision to, for example, go somewhere for a day or two with friends, can have a bigger impact than even the most well-thought out plans.

Anyway, I'm heading to SF Monday, so I better get some rest.

When I get back, I need to find work that will really pay the rent. Pronto! How's that for life-changing?

Peace.

Cleanse/Detox day 7

OK, so I dropped the ball. So sue me! Yesterday was Day 7, and I'm generally feeling pretty good, save for the little upper respiratory bug I've contracted. The juice only thing didn't work out so well: the hunger was too much for me. I've been eating SUPER healthy, though, when I do eat, and been a lot more aware of my portions. Those were really my main goals. Right now I'm focusing more on a detoxifying diet, meaning implementation of only detoxifying foods.

It's been a very informative process, especially dealing with cravings for certain foods (specifically fried or fattening ones!). I've had a couple other cleanses recommended to me which I'll look into. The best lesson of all, really, is how to consume a healthy, non-toxic diet every day, and that's most important.

Cleanse/Detox, Day 2

Today was interesting: I think I noticed the "hunger" a little more, and drank a decent amount of juice. I have had moments of waning mental clarity, but for the most part, the clarity has been waxing. I haven't been getting quite enough sleep, and yet I don't feel the same fatigue I have felt in the past. I'm managing! This is only day two though, and I am still allowing myself some food, though very little at that. I don't really want much at all, and even in the two days that have elapsed, I have begun to have a different relationship with how much and what kind of food I consume.

All in all, I feel good, and I think this was definitely the right way to go as far as cleansing/detoxification.

Cleanse/Detox, Day 1

I started my day off today by making a bunch of juice to drink throughout my waking hours. I decided to do the first three of ten days as "mostly juice" days, allowing myself a little meal and maybe a snack. When it came time to eat today, I simply wasn't hungry. I still forced myself to eat, and it tasted great! I noticed a pronounced hunger at the end of the night, so I allowed that snack, and all was well. There's still a little background hunger, but we'll see how the juicing goes tomorrow... as long as I keep a decent amount of juiced greens in the diet, I should be fine. My concoction of greens plus fruit seems to do the trick; I may whip up a couple batches, one with only greens and one with about half greens. I don't want to do just straight fruit juices, for the protection of my blood sugar level. Best lesson of the day: keep the tops on your carrots! Those greens are fantastic, and very alkalizing.

Today was relatively easy, and I've read it's supposed to be the hardest....? Day three on the Master Cleanse is supposed to be pretty difficult, but this is a little different. We shall see!

Just wondering....

Does what I'm writing here really matter to anyone besides me?

I find myself comforted when I read other peoples' blogs and can identify with what they are going through/thinking. A little bit of "wow, we're all human" seems to be more and more necessary these days. Thich Nhat Hanh says that we cannot have love without understanding. Doesn't everyone want to be understood to some degree? This is, of course, not to say that everyone ought to blog in order to feel understood. Or, consequently, loved.

This is possibly an attempt to feel more loved, though my subconscious has yet to reveal any truth to that. This is certainly not an attitude of propagation of self-pity. This IS an attempt to connect with my fellow humans by sharing a part of my innermost self. Do we gain any benefit from it? Who knows. Some might say "who cares."

A line from a song I've been mildly obsessed with lately, "Danger" by Verse Two, which likely won't be found in any Google search (I've looked), speaks to me like the initial point of a fractal reverberates infinitely thereafter:

"Let yourself help yourself help yourself and others"

Am I helping anyone else besides myself? Indeed, am I helping myself at all?

liquid/solid

What an excellent visit to San Francisco/Nor Cal! I saw so many wonderful friends and family, and did so many fabulous things.

The drive down went off without a hitch, except the one part where I nearly ran someone off the road. I didn't succeed though, thank goodness, and all was well. Wheee!

I wanted to mention something that has been very prominent for me lately: the unexpected. Much of this has come in the form of serendipitous surprises, and there has been a lot of it lately. Connections with people, finding a higher quality replacement for something I need on the sidewalk, time freeing up just when I need it most.

Perhaps it's the overwhelm from moving: I still feel a bit unstable and unfocused, plus I have all these peripheral projects floating around. Not in an insanity sort of way, per se-- I just feel I have a bit of a mess surrounding me, with a lot of disorganization and unsettledness in my sublet, my new place, my car, my boxes o' junk. I feel I am at least aware of and working with taking things one step at a time, yet I am still aware of that little voice echoing around in the back of my head saying, "Not good enough!" I think it's largely due to my own treatment of myself and my desire for approval. I understand this about myself, and, like an injury of some sort, I'm watching it, knowing it will heal, wanting the healing to go faster in spite of my grasp of the logic that it will heal when the right amount of time has passed. I'm almost ashamed that I feel insecure sometimes, and that begets more insecurity. Yucky.

Like Jell-O, it takes awhile for the liquid to become the somewhat yielding solid it's meant to be. In the meantime, I'm OK, just still "in the fridge."

And I'm glad to finally be a permanent LA resident. Let's see what happens.....

When I'm Unsure

Sometimes, I feel
for whatever reason
that I'm not ________

Then I think
about the fact
that I have SO MUCH!

I am fortunate
to be loved
by the best of the best

I am blessed
to be able
to love them in return

Wowsers

Life is pretty good right now. I mean, really, I think it always is. My perception has become brighter and brighter lately, and I'd like to keep it that way.

I just wrapped the first film I've ever been involved in as a Producer of any sort. Some would say I was a Line Producer. I'd say I was probably more of an Associate Producer. Whatever I was, I learned a great deal, and much of that was through making mistakes. Nobody got hurt, though, so it's all good. ;}

I connected to a LOT of incredible souls, though! One of the Executive Producers (Phil) and I have even been working on a story/treatment for a film for the past couple weeks, and I'm really excited about it. I can't say much more than that; we'll be getting it copyrighted tomorrow! Suffice it to say, it's environmentally-themed Sci Fi, and it's quite good. Phil flies out on Friday, and our film just wrapped Tuesday, so everything is really buzzing along!

I just signed a lease for my new apartment in the Los Feliz area of LA, and I'm looking forward to living in an interesting neighborhood within walking/biking distance of excellent friends and TONS of cool stuff. I woke up with the words "rooftop garden" scampering about in the forefront of my brain this morning, so when I pick up my keys, I'll run it by the manager. The landlady is awesome, too: we totally hit it off. This was the first place I saw, out of five (two of the five buildings were owned by her and had multiple units), and I just had to come back. The vibe was just right, and it's a perfect location. I'm super excited!

Since I don't have to worry about apartment hunting, I'll be going to SF earlier, too, so I can have more time with my loved ones! Yay!

I've been working with a fire troupe I want to join, too: Machina Candeo. They're awesome, both as a group and as individuals.

I'm also picking up momentum on the nonprofit organization.... Stay tuned!!

Live your dreams. :}

Namaste, ya'll.

Door after door

"Everything happens for a reason," some people say. I suppose that's true, if you want it to be.

I take a bit more of a scientific perspective on it, marveling at the feat of coincidence as astonishing mathematical revelation rather than a great "something" affecting the course of life.

I still ponder energy and the effect it has on us. Radiation is energy, right? It has the power to both cause AND treat cancer. It comes in many forms, and those forms can be harnessed for good or mis-handled for destruction.

We are electric beings: synapses constantly firing in a massive, exquisite tangle of cells with myriad functionality. Sometimes, as I experienced a few weeks ago, a person will join a circle of others holding hands, and discharge a spark that will travel through each one. Even upon the apparent death of the heart, we surge electricity through a patient in order to revive him. And it often works.

We are like transistors, no matter whether we notice it: always harnessing and controlling electrical currents. We eat food so we'll have more... energy!

The more positive energy we have, the more doors we open for ourselves. When we persevere and strive for the greater good of, peace to all of, and harmony with all of all our fellow beings on this planet, including ourselves, the possibilities are limitless.

Two of the most important things

Two of the most important things for us to remember, and most difficult things for us to work with, in our lives as emotional beings on Earth:

1. Acceptance
2. Release

People lie, too

That's just how it goes, sometimes.

My gut instincts are usually pretty spot-on when things are not-so-great.

As for the rest of the times, I'm working on that. When things seem great, and then all of a sudden, they lurch into not being so, the rug is pulled out, and one is left to ask, "Can I ever trust myself again?"

Maybe always trying to see the goodness in people leaves me too vulnerable. When did trust become so destructive/destructible?

Tearing shit up. Roller coaster rides like none before, guttiwerts plunging through every emotional loop. This is good, though it certainly doesn't always feel that way. Ah, well: could be worse.

Back to work.

"The mind is a liar"

That was the theme of the day today.

I love my acting/singing coach, Shari. That woman knows what's up.

In my classes with her, we address ourselves as performers, not simply the performance. I have been feeling afraid lately... afraid of failure. What if I do all of this work on projects, put my everything into loving someone, and it fails? I fail?

Then she said, "Well, you can either do all this work and have it turn out some way, or you could just... not." Basically, put your heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears, and everything in between into what you do, or do nothing and waste away. I had said to my best friend just the other day, "No matter what, everything we do isn't for nothing." Yet again, I have spoken the truth and not heeded it.

So what's the point of this fear I've been conjuring up for myself, overshadowing the great happiness that truly is my life? Sure, I may not have everything 100% the way I want it to be, however I'm well on my way and I'm sure as HELL smart enough to get there.

By listening to the ridiculous stories my mind weaves, I create this tapestry of disbelief in what is true, overshadowing my true feelings, which are therefore shaped into something completely twisted and unreal. This tapestry wraps me like an itchy blanket, swaddling me in exorbitant self-injury. I am only torturing myself, I know this, and for whatever unconscious, deep-seated reason, it is a struggle to stop.

I think, upon coming face to face with what I'm truly capable of, I am confronting a part of myself that has been brewing for a very long time and is finally bubbling to the surface.

I hereby say to you, Mind: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

:}

Breathe..... We are life.

AAA

Acknowledge: hear the knock at the door.

Accept: open the door.

Allow: invite all guests to stay awhile, no matter what you think of them (like Rumi said...).

I am self-conscious of my self-consciousness. Where's the off switch for this shit? I'm supposed to be happy. And I am.... just not completely. I suppose that's a choice, isn't it.

Busy bee!

Well well well. When it rains, it pours. And that's not counting the rainstorms that keep blessing us here in Southern CA. It's been so calming and refreshing, and I have enjoyed it while it's lasted, though I think we're finally headed into Spring! I'm keeping ultra busy with film projects, classes, an internship, and just trying to keep up with my own personal business like paying my bills and doing my dishes. A few friends have been lucky enough to catch me by chance and plan stuff with me for times when I have a little more freedom to actually leave the house. And before I know it, I'm telling people I can't do anything at ALL for the next two weeks. I just don't have time for anything other than work. I hope this is only temporary, because I do want a relationship at some point....

Anyway.

So my feature has locked down dates, and I'll be spending a lot of time trying to pin down a crew and secure some other elements of the production. I'm really excited! There's nothin' like some good old-fashioned renegade Sci-Fi to make life more colorful and fun!

I finally came up with a name for my production company, and just to put my mind at ease, I will be registering the name and getting a business license hopefully next week. Once I have the name registered, I will release it officially, along with a description of my objectives. The company itself will probably be just floating a bit until I can develop some alliances, but suffice it to say, I'm developing it with specific intentions in mind: there are a couple things I would like to see happen in this industry, for the better. I don't expect anything, per se, I just aim to make a difference. And films I care about.

Adding titles to job description: Producer, Singer, and Songwriter

OK, so I've been writing songs for awhile, and I was never really happy with them: they mainly served as an emotional release. Then, something changed in me. In the last month, I've written two, and I will be writing more for sure. For the first one, I wrote the lyrics and the melody; it has yet to be recorded, though it will soon, I promise!!

The second one has an amazing story behind it, and wouldn't have happened without Myspace. I know it sounds a little cheesy, and yet, it's 100% true, and proved to be one of the most amazing experiences of my life so far. Also, a great example of the magic LA has to offer-- my naysayer-ness in regards to this city have all but vanished. I have found my place and I am flourishing in it, and that is what's key.

Anyhoo, the song is called City of Angels, and I did it with two amazing guys, a German named Joh and an Italian named Samiel, whose project is The Mainstream. They had already written and recorded the melody, and asked me to write lyrics, which I did, and then provided backing vocals. Any female voices you hear are all me. ;} Check it out, plus a bunch of their other FANTASTIC music, here (or on my page, as I have added it... sorry When In Rome fans!):

http://www.myspace.com/themainstream

If you're on the Space, add them as a friend!! They are truly awesome!

As for Myspace being a factor in all of this: Samiel found me at the beginning of the year while perusing profiles of people connected somehow to each other through the person whose San Francisco apartment they were staying at. It turned out we had much in common, and though we would not reside in SF at the same time (they arrived just as I was leaving), they ended up being my houseguests here in LA for five days, and we had a really fantastic time together. The creative energy was phenomenal, too: we would all just be sitting working on stuff at the same time, not feeling a need to entertain each other, just riding the "really good vibes" Joh was so stoked we all had. Having them here was a unique experience that will live forever in my memory, and I hope to see them soon, with a record deal under their extremely talented hats!

I've been uber busy lately PRODUCING A SCIFI FEATURE FILM (don't get too excited, it's low-budget straight to DVD, but if we're lucky, it'll play on the SciFi Channel!) among other projects and other business, and haven't been able to get back to some of you, though I promise I will be catching up this weekend.

Much love to you all, and remember, dreams really do come true, no matter the rainbow.

Pangs

.... Of loneliness, of uncertainty, of missing the city I swore I would never leave.

And I know I cannot go back. And I know I can only move forward.

Terrifying, exhilarating, groundless. If I do not relax into the flow of things, I simply will never relax, and thus is born a workaholic in me.

I have an idea of how I want my life to be. I have no idea how I will get there... and I will get there, it's only a matter of time. I must not let this place swallow me whole, nor can I lose focus.

A few people have asked me if I would be going back. Someday, I'd like to have homes in SF and LA, though for now, I know I will not be returning anytime soon. I cried when I flew back from my test shoot on Sunday, watching the Bay disappear into the moonlit night: they were not tears brought about by a pang of longing. They were tears of finally accepting the beginning of my process of goodbye.

The Story So Far

I arrived in Pasadena at 1 AM Wednesday morning, after driving all night Tuesday and encountering moments of dense fog along the way. And I still made it in 7 hours, with a Roof Bag full of crap on my car and everything! The plan was to couch surf at my friend's place until Monday night when my sublet in Glendale actually begins.

By the end of the day Wednesday, it became apparent that I would have to come back to SF for a test shoot with the RED camera, for a film I've been involved with for awhile. I fly back tonight.

Considering the sublet thing, and all the back and forth I've done this week, it almost doesn't seem real that I have moved, even though I've already gone to a meeting, set up (and missed... oops: I got lost... but I have a different one on Feb. 2nd) an audition, and gone out on a date. I have many more things to take care of and people to meet with in the upcoming week, and of course the subsequent weeks.

The most important thing of all is relating to myself and exploring further inward than I ever have. The time is long overdue. I have many goals in place: physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, and professional. It's time to strike a balance, and the challenges I've set for myself ought to bring some new things out in me that have lain stagnant for far too long.

Purge

It builds up after awhile.

Like what you do with a pipe: you fill it with tobacco, smoke it, then when it runs out, you fill it up again, and so on. Sometimes, you put in more; sometimes, you put in less. Sometimes, you use a different kind. You always hope that you'll find the right kind and you won't have to keep experimenting, and you've come close a couple times, but it just hasn't worked out.

Then you realize you've been smoking way too much, and you have never cleaned out your pipe. Not once. This tar has built up and it has begun to affect you physically, maybe even mentally. OK, definitely mentally.

So what I really mean to say is: I have been tearing out pieces of my heart for years. I put them back, and never gave the wounds a chance to fully heal. I just kept impatiently ripping out new ones, afraid that I wouldn't feel normal if I didn't.

It's almost like I'm one of those people who cut themselves, except instead of doing it externally with a razor, I do it internally with love.

Love.

Not the kind from your friends and family: intimacy. Partnership. As much as I have always wanted it to be real for me, it never has been. I don't know what it's like to have a heart without a hole in it, and I will not be ready for the real thing until I do know.

After eight years, I'm finally not afraid to show some love to myself and let myself heal my wounds. Just me and my gauze, and a little patience. Maybe some pipe cleaners, too.

In solitude.